Ted the Caver's Nephew-in-Law - Protect Computers Act

You know Ted the Caver? Well, my mother married his brother. Now I'm Ted the Caver's nephew-in-law. Not literal Ted the Caver, but the guy who wrote and posted the Ted the Caver story in the first person.

The Ted the Caver story has proven to be one of the most influential and actually the very first creepypasta of all time.

If you don't know it, perhaps now is a good time to read up on it, and learn this fascinating bit of internet history.

[sharp breath] As the nephew-in-law of Ted the Caver, I have an important responsibility to uphold, and I recognize it. I am going to make a remake of the Ted the Caver story that makes it more modern, more exciting, and even more scary. I have gotten permission from Ted the Caver himself, who is my uncle-in-law.

But I'll need your help to make this happen, so I want you to join the Ted the Caver 2.0 Ted the Caver's Nephew-in-Law community, and just suggest what you wanna see in the story. Cuz, I gotta know what people want, and then I gotta tune it to be as scary as possible. And that's not gonna be possible without knowing your fears, and what you like in a story.

The Ted the Caver 2.0 Ted the Caver's Nephew-in-Law Discord server has an official Patreon channel that you can join if you donated money on Patreon on a monthly basis. In it, every now and then I post some previews of Ted the Caver 2.0 as I am working on it. The last post was 3 months ago, but rest assured, many ideas are stewing in my brain, and your feedback, and your ideas, will help every little bit.

New York Suicide.

We open on a scene of drug hookers. They are hooking the drugs, and many passersby in suits returning from the factory to build parts are looking at them with a face of bemusement.

We close [in] on a car, with a man who has inside, who has a gun, and he steps out and says "I wanna know what funny business has been going on in this town."

And one of the storekeepers, he jumps out and he's like "nothing's been going on, it's been so dull in here, I can hear myself blink." So he turns the gun on another man: "What do you know about the city?"

And he says, and it's a sleazy man leaning on a phone booth, and he has dirt on his clothes, and he has grease on his face, and his hair has been pulled off by a rabid eagle. And he just laughs and he says, "You're new here, aren't you? You think holding around one of those things will get you respect."

And he pulls out a knife really really super fast, and he runs the entire 12 feet between them, and he slices the gun apart, and the gun guy's like "Ah, you're paying for that, you dirty rat!" and he says "You need to learn what it's like, to live in this place." And then there is- there is an effect where the screen goes all white.

And then we see the same man from but he is a child, and he is living in his house with his mother and his parents. And then one day he steps outside, and a man in a suit with a, pulls out from a car, and he, a gun, and he shoots. Ahh, and the man, who is the boy, and he was quite - QUITE - brought to tears, he thought to himself "Now, now I have a defining character moment." He thanks himself, "at least I'm grateful for that, than the hundreds of identical generic people who are walking around all the time who look the same even as I get closer to them."

And then the flashback stops, and, like, the white goes, and then it, the white screen comes back, and it fades back to, and he's looking at the guy, and he's like "Yeah, you- I'll let you off, but boy, you'd better, careful around these joints."

And then he goes to see one of the drugs mans, and he's like "I want a pepperoni pizza with no crust," and the drug man's like "yes, coming up sir," and he gives him a fake pizza box which actually has, um, the drugs, that... um.... the drugs?

So, drugs are these things that kind of look like wallets, but they're squishy, like you can hear there's a liquid inside of them, and you kind of just like, to take the drug, you hold it in your mouth and squeeze it with your hands until it pops, and then the drug fluid is all in your mouth, and like, your gums are absorbing it, and the roof of your mouth is absorbing it, kind of like they tell you will happen if you try to like, uhh... which is one thing I heard, like, the alcohol flamethrower thing, if you tried that you'd get super-duper drunk, even if you kept it in your mouth your mouth would absorb it, yeah, that's how the drugs would work — that's how it DOES work, because I know that's how drugs work.

So he takes the drug, and he squeezes it in, and he's like, "ohhh, oh man I'm feeling so good," and then a police copper comes up, and he's like [gibberish] "what are you doing here son!" And he's like "oh, fuck off, ya pig!" and the cop's like "I have a gun!" and he's like "I hate guns!" and then the policeman holsters his gun but the guy knocks it out of his hand, but then another, there's another cop, a plainclothes cop, and the plainclothes cop shoots the guy, and the guy's like "ahh, ahhh, done in by a pig, copper, pig, copper pig," and he falls to the floor clutching his wound, and he bleeds and he bleeds, and it's quite sad and we zoom out on his body, and there's one of the policemen standing over it, and then the scene fades to another scene.

Which is where we see the man who was in the car, who had the gun but then it got sliced, and he drives off and he thinks, "man, bad things could happen in New York. I think I could've just witnessed a New York suicide. The suicide of the entire city. Glum, glum, terror, and it's just not a good place. It's all dark, and mysterious, and shadowy," and as he's driving, everywhere that's not illuminated by the car is all dark and shadowy, and it's very like angular lighting. And — [cough] — very dark and harsh colors. Yeah, tell the fucking visual director to do that. I'm not telling him myself. He fucking reeks.

And then he's like, "being in that place could make you wanna commit suicide." And then he drives across where the man lies dead, and he's like "ah, well, too late, looks like so-" and he's not even aware that he was shot by the policeman, and he says "well, it's too late, looks like there's already been a New York suicide."

And then he drives off into the sunset, which isn't very tonally appropriate, but I can't think of any other way to end the story, I mean, there's only so limited tropes to choose from. Alright? But he drives off into the sunset, and there's some FUCKING cool rock song, not one of those old ones, one of the cool kinda modern rock songs, bit of edge, that plays over the credits.

And if the pilot goes well, we'll get a second episode. The guy goes back to New York, and the episode's gonna be about him in New York, and...

INTERVIEWER: So Mr. Jargathan Blancboyle, your newest television show "New York Suicide" has been one of the most popularly streamed shows on Netflix. What do you think you attribute that too?

BLANCBOYLE: Heh. Well, really, I maintained a strong creative lead. It was based on my time in New York. I looked outside, once, when I was at, like, one of those really narrow pizza restaurants in Manhattan once, and there was a guy, like, yelling! And I couldn't forget that, I could not forget that. The whole trip, I was like "there was a guy was yelling!" New York is a scary place. Whatever's in it could make people yell. And in my series, I tried to imagine as vividly as possible what could make people yell. What could even incite, perhaps, a- a New York suicide.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, we have a fan question, uh: does that mean you would want — live fan question — does that mean you would WANT that man who was yelling to commit suicide?

BLANCBOYLE: No, I just mean he was gonna, probably, because New York — um, uh, um, well, I mean, mental health in New York, um-

Hi! This is the mayor, Abigail!
Can I have a kiss? [kiss]
[woman laughs, baby objects]

Is Garfield pissed off?
He should be.
He's about to s- die a very sudden and painful and frightful death,
that no-one will be able to explain,
even decades from now.

I don't what it is, or what's going to happen, or when, or how, but I just know that one day I'm going to be standing there, and I'm going to be in suspended animation: very dead.

I didn't notice I'd lost comprehensibility until a long while after people stopped answering back. I assumed a sort of smug silence was prevalent now.

Ah... fuck.

[laugh track]

It is the year 2500. I have become so normal I can no longer hear my internal monologue. I go to work at my job, which I like very much, and that I am enthusiastic at, so I am not "quiet quitting"!

I begin my commute in my really cool and really tall car. I drive over all the potholes. And, uh-oh, coming up is The Pit. Now, The Pit is where all the non-normal people went, but there weren't really people cuz like, as soon as they stopped being normal they stopped existing, but it does kinda get to you sometimes; it does kinda convince you- "oh, are those people?" Like, some of the non-people in the pit were some of my friends who became non-normal and then just kinda snapped out of existence. It's terrible. And they'll hold up signs and they'll scream at you and try to convince you otherwise, and it's not very good. But thankfully, since I'm normal, I'm not emotionally sensitive or fragile like that, or else... hah, I wouldn't even be here.

I get to my job and I go type on my computer. I am typing random letters on the keyboard into random cells on a spreadsheet. Every now and then, there is a notification on my computer, so I switch to typing random letters into a chat window, with men who look just like me.

It's lunch time! I take out my brick, and I eat it. And I eat it, and I eat it. My teeth are broken again, but that's okay, because I can get them replaced at the orthodonics.

There are different varieties of normal, not many and honestly I don't like the varieties that are not mine, but it is important to accept there are different varieties regardless. For example, one of my coworkers Josh... has a mole. I know, it disgusts me a lot to even think about it, but if you really try hard, you can get to accept that some people have moles. But today I learned that he was recently fired for not having the working spirit, the kind of team group commitment spirit, so that solves some problems for me, I will admit.

And just like that it is already time to head out, to punch out. I have done a very good job at typing on the keyboard, and my boss has smiled at me and he has given me three dollars. I'm very, very happy for this! I spend two dollars on the orthodonics, and then I go to the candy store! It is all very healthy candies, and I purchase a slice of apple. I eat at it very, very slowly, because it is all I have eaten today, because I am not a glutton!

I head home in my car, again ignoring the pit very well, and then I go to work on what is my passion project hobby: making a pretty cool dance music album.

(Enjoy it!)

That night I think about Josh. I think about how he was kinda like me before I was normal. That disturbs me a lot and it keeps me up all night. Then when the clock hits 7'o clock, and it is time for me to head to work, I realize that because I have not slept a single minute, I might not be able to do my job good enough, and then I might not qualify as a person, and I might cease to exist. This makes me really upset, and I throw a temper tantrum and I break all the furniture in my house and all of the glass, and I kick down the doors, and I cry, and then I take a big big hammer and then I destroy all of the walls until my house — my house which, by the way, I own, not rent! — is just left as a crumbling piece of dust.

And so I sit in it and wait for nature to take its course.

Ah, ah, ah, AH!
That's the stuff! Ohh!

How are Leonardo DaVinci's descendants doing? Where are they living? Are they living in big houses with their own pools, or are they living in complexes, and they have to go to the public pool? Do they have their own butlers, or do they have to do the cleaning themselves? Have they ever produced a masterpiece so great that everyone made them famous, or do they toil in obscurity, unrecognized? Have they killed anyone, or do they feel too chainded down to the standards we're all expected to follow?

If I met one of Leonardo DaVinci's descendants, I would tell him: "you can kill me." I would give them a knife, and I would point to the part on my head where if you carved you would take out my brain, and I would lay down on the table and say "If you killed me right now, I wouldn't mind, because you're Leonardo DaVinci's descendant, and I recognize that!"

I would recommend they use my blood to paint one of the most invigorating paintings they'd ever painted, and perhaps make it into the local news because it was just such an amazing painting.

Now, if I were a descendant of Leonardo DaVinci, I would kill everyone. I would take a gun and shoot everybody, just because I feel like it. And nobody could really do anything about it, because I would be Leonardo DaVinci's descendant. I mean, come on!

If I was Leonardo DaVinci's descendant, I would destroy all the paintings. Because, well, it's obvious they would never be as good as the ones I would make as Leonardo DaVinci's descendant. So, if I ever met Leonardo DaVinci's descendant, I would tell them to do that. I would give them a flamethrower, and I would give them directions to all the museums! Because, well, this world's art is a little cruddy, you've gotta admit, and if we're gonna be preparing for Leonardo DaVinci's descendants to get what they're owed, we'd better get rid of all the art! I mean all of the art! And by all the art I mean like, is there a kid who's drawing something with a crayon, in their preschool? Get rid of that! Cuz, it's just a little superfluous, you know, I mean, to Leonardo DaVinci's descendant's paintings.

Or maybe they won't do paintings! Maybe they'll do, like, an electronic BEAT! Oh man, maybe they will take, like a 808, and they will take one of the cool drum machines that also has a 0 in the middle, and then they will make some of the coolest and best electronic music ever. God, do you think? That would be kind of hype, I think.

If Leonardo DaVinci's descendants were ever in school, and they were being bullied by their peers, I would just tell their peers that they're bullying Leonardo DaVinci's descendants. And then, because I'm not a monster, I would offer them grief councelling. Just- to cope with the fact that they've been bullying- you know- you know.

If I was Leonardo DaVinci, I would think this all sounds like a little too much, and I would choose not to have offspring. Which I think is what makes it so great that Leonardo DaVinci took it upon himself to have offspring anyway, in spite of all this that this would cause, of all art being destroyed forever, and all people being killed randomly on whims because Leonardo DaVinci's descendants shouldn't go to jail. Uh, yeah.

So that's just what I wanted to say, and um, if you like kinda subversive avant-garde art, like they used to do the old-school way, check out my music! I've posted a link down below, so thank you, and I hope your baby shower goes really well.

He's the unclean one, he's the funny one, he's the one who loves iteration, he's the silent one, he's the muted one, he's the deaf one, and I'm the crazy one! And I'M the crazy one!

He's the one who loves iteration, he is, not me, he's the one who's deaf, he's the one who's blind, he's the one who's blind, he's the one who's blind, I'm the one who's crazy!

He's the one who makes fun of mundane events, he's the one who doesn't see the humor in anything, he's the one who's all straight-edge and who we're all secretly trying to be one, and I'm the crazy one who sometimes everyone else looks over and thinks "well, isn't he so liberated, wouldn't that be nice for a change!"

He's the one who loves his rice plain, even though there's not much nutrition in that. He's the one who watches bugs on the wall. He's the bug on the wall. He's the crowd of people behind him screaming "when are you gonna squish that thing," and I'm the crazy one! And I'M the crazy one!

[breathing into mic]

I support spiked benches, because I think I spend too much time sitting down!
I support spiked benches, because I think I spend too much time sitting down!
I support spiked benches, because I think I spend too much time sitting down!

He's the first one. I'm the last one. There's no more after me, I tell, you; they'd have to be pretty good. I mean, my shtick is just so up there, that if anyone else tried to replace me, I think people would start stabbing us to death. All of us. They'd come and stab me for leaving.

And I'm the crazy one! And I'm the crazy one! And I'm the crazy one!

He's the one who loves croquet, he's the one who loves crick-quet, he's the one who loves lawn bowls, he's the one who loves pickleball, he's the one who hates fine dining, and I'm the crazy one!

He's the compartmentalizable one, he's the one who breaks the rule (who's the exception that proves the rule), he's the one who makes great shorthand, he's the one who's so flat he doesn't get shorthand, and I'm the crazy one, and my shorthand is five hundred letters long because there's just no other way to describe me, I'm just that crazy and entropic.

Every day, in every way, I am becoming better. I've been repeating that phrase to myself for the past two years. But something bothers me; it's that you haven't seemed to repeat anything to yourself in that same time. Just how much worse than me are you?

I've been reading these books, you know? Self-help. It's not just self-help, though, it's improving the lives of people around you with how good you are. It's just, ironically, I think there's a limiting factor to it, where you become too good, and the other people around you, you start to realize: they're in pain! They haven't even thought about distributing their Self energy.

And, I mean, what do you do when you're that much above people, and you know they're just hurting, and they don't even have the words for it?

I mean, in my past days, I've gotten so much better, I don't need those distractions like TV and social media anymore. I read books. But I saw you on the TV just yesterday. You really haven't been bettering yourself every day in every way, have you?